Now is one of those moments where my words will fall far short of what’s going on inside. Now I’m living my last moments in Paris – this time around. I’m sitting in an empty apartment – clean at last – alone. I’m wondering where the next few days will take me and how I’ll be when I come out on the other side.
Going back to Boston has become such a scary thing in my mind. It’s where I imagine all the traps are to bring me back down to that place called unhappiness. I don’t want to get swept away in all that; In chaos, in frenzy, in loving the wrong things and getting hurt. I want to be strong but right now I feel weak, exhausted and un-excited to make this trip. I need to get back to me – to re-center – but I’m not sure how.
Right now I feel grief. But it’s not overwhelming. It feels like appropriate pain, and that’s encouraging. It feels like loneliness and shame at making bad decisions. It feels like fear for the unknown and for failure. It feels like frustration with myself and it feels like fatigue.
*****
The tearful goodbyes started on Friday night at an Indian restaurant with my class after our final juried performances. I said to an Italian friend who’s been in Paris for many years that I didn’t feel like I knew where my home was anymore. She told me that after a long long while she finally realized that home is with herself. “Wherever you go, there you are.”
In that moment it hit me how much I was fighting my own wisdom. The piece that I had imagined and then performed just hours earlier was my story. It was my search for happiness, and how that search brought me to all kinds of places. It was a search that ended with me. I am happiness.
The peace that lies within me is happiness if only I’ll let myself experience it. Creating is happiness. Giving is happiness. And being strong and doing what’s right is happiness. Tonight I say goodbye to my friends in Paris and tomorrow I’ll set foot back on American soil. Today and tomorrow both are my chance to be who I want to be.
Dear sweet Hannah.
You are stronger than you think. You will be fine in Boston if you want to be. Look within and know that you can be whoever you want to be, where ever you want to be. You have accomplished so very much in such a short time in Paris, and you will return to do even more.
While in Boston/Cambridge you will be taking with you all that you have become while abroad. It won’t leave you.
Show them what you’ve got, girl. Look “them” in the eye and just be the wonderful, outrageous, talented person you are. Trust in yourself and show them how much you’ve changed, for the better. Just smile and dazzle them all. You’re good at that!
Know, too, that you will always have the love and support of true friends and family.
Hugs & kisses, Mom
I felt rather hopeless two years ago when I broke up with a live-in boyfriend and started grad school. I was poor (well, that hasn’t changed all that much), confused, and questioning every decision I had made in the recent weeks. But I made sure to check in with me when things were scary. And make sure I kept my friends and family close, if only by e-mail or phone. I started doing new things, little things, terrifying things that helped me figure out who I was. In hindsight, it was all perfect; just what I needed and has made me the strongest and most confident I’ve ever been.
From the sound of it, you’ve made some amazing decisions that are certainly scary, but I love what you’ve done. Your work shows how you’ve grown. You have control and you have support. Those are things that don’t disappear when you leave someplace—they go with you wherever you are.