As luck would have it, the American Repertory Theatre, or ART, didn’t find what they were looking for the first time around in their auditions for Sleep No More, a collaboration with Punchdrunk Theatre Company of the UK. What this meant for me what that today I got to audition for ART, something I doubted I would ever get to do.
Unfortunately, after an amazing hour-long audition that felt much more like a really cool workshop, ART gave a quick curtesy call (super points for them and doing that) to let me know that they were not interested in seeing me again. My hopes of becoming an ART movement super-star came spiraling back down to Earth. And then the really productive part began: Coping.
After a year away at school I was a little trepidatious to come back to the harsh world of auditioning and rejection. Already I can feel myself wanting to slip back into old ways: comparing myself to other people, bad-mouthing the more-successful, feeling worthless and hopeless. All of these things are unproductive and hurtful to myself and others. The rejection I received today is my first opporunity to step away from those things that hurt.
So, instead, what am I doing?
Well, I’m not calling up a guy to distract me from my feelings. I am going to the yoga class I planned on going to this evening, and I did watch So You Think You Can Dance this afternoon, which is a sure-fire motivation-booster. I’m thinking about the rockin’ apartment I looked at yesterday and dreaming myself into other really productive projects.
I’m feeling scared- mostly about feeling scared. And I’m feeling intimidated to go to the dance classes I so want to go to because I won’t know anyone there and because I’m questioning my “identity” as a “dancer”. I’m feeling lonely in Cambridge, powerless over my emotional defects and sort of discontented in my jobs. I’m feeling overwhelmed with the logistics of my life, and like I need a helping hand.
The plan still stands: Cambridge/Boston from now thru the end of Decemeber 2009 and a return to Paris in January 2010 to work as a physical actor in a production of Sartre’s No Exit. That will last thru the end of the summer 2010 and after that… another open space.
There’s a lot of fear in my life right now, but also a lot of possibility for good things to happen.
Crap about no callback. I know thy pain, mistress. I KNOW you’ve got what it takes, and more skills than you had 9 months ago. I hope the good things happen for you. xo
So really, what have you got to loose by going to the dance classes that you said you were interested in? Did not knowing anyone in France or at your school stop you from what you wanted to do? Shoot, HB, you can do whatever you want to do. Movement will set you free – go dance! Concentrate on the possibilities and go for it. The helping hand will most likely be your own:-)