Now I Live in New York

“I miss Boston,” I lament with a childish pout as we descent upon the city in the dark. It’s Rachel and I in her Corolla, and we’ve spent two of the past four days hauling and lugging all of my possessions to Brooklyn, my new home. We’re now back in Boston and I intend to spend the next four days acting as if I’m on vacation while the reality that I no longer live here sets in. I’m half-way gone and I already miss the city so much.

To be fair, there are a few things that excite me about living in New York. The perpetual stench and the blackness the creeps beneath my flip flops and never seems to get cleaned off my feet aren’t on the list… But the list does exist:

Since I don’t know the city well there are often moments where I come out of a turn in the never-ending freeway system and am surprised and delighted to look out and see the Statue of Liberty flagging me down over the water. New York must know I like the ocean and they sent Lady Liberty to welcome me. (Or maybe just to persuade me not to take flight before giving the place a shot.)

There are new things to explore in any new city and New York is no different. I’ve started a list in my phone of things I’d like to check out and have been debating a weekly blog entry so that by the end of the year I’m assured to have seen 52 different “attractions”. So far I have the Dekalb Market in Downtown Brooklyn and something called the High Line, which is an old elevated rail system that (I think) never got off the ground (no pun intended) and has been turned into a park system of sorts. Thanks to NPR for that tip.

Then there’s the art. The art makes me giddy and also makes me wish I had a higher paying job so I could afford all the shows that I know will tease me day in and day out. I need a second job, regardless, and have applied (twice now) to the Brooklyn Academy of Music in Downtown Brooklyn in the hopes of making some extra money while getting to see some cool shows for free. The guy who’ll be employing me – also in BK (See, I’m picking up on the lingo.) – has some “good connections” there, and I’ve asked him to help me by putting in a good word.

The plethora of places to eat and drink in the five boroughs is overwhelming, which means I’ve got more than enough places to explore by way of my palate. My neighborhood is a little scarce on places to eat and drink, but if I can muster the courage I may find some good Caribbean gems in the mix, and neighboring area have more to offer, I think. The problem, however, is one I just mentioned: New York is overwhelming.

“Think of the city in terms of boroughs,” people say. When I know it’s all out there and it all exists, though, I can’t help but want to experience it all, and where do I begin?

There’s also a rather hefty list of things that I dislike about New York. A lot of these are not ‘negatives’ per se, but just ‘differents’ that will take some time to get used to. For example, my apartment doesn’t have a dishwasher or in-unit (or in-building even) laundry, which are two things I got lazily accustomed to living in Boston. My building smells funny and my apartment has mice. (I’ve already seen one.) There are no “healthy” grocery stores within convenient walking distance from my apartment or my train station. Everything seems to cost twice as much. It takes forever to get anywhere, people don’t smile or make eye contact or exchange little pleasantries out in public. And New Yorkers like the Yankees. It’s admittedly a lot to get used to.

All that being said, I guess I’m a New Yorker now, and I’ve decided I’ll root for the Mets if I have to pick a local team.

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New Job, New York, New Love

Did I mention I’m moving to New York City? I’m long overdue to write a blog and, at this point, there’s so much to say I’m not sure where to begin. So, I’ll begin with New York.

I couldn’t go through with Carnegie Mellon. I couldn’t stomach the idea of all that debt and I wasn’t sure I’d turn out any better on the other side because of it. I made it as far as flying out there and putting a deposit on an apartment near campus (a deposit which was refunded to me) but I couldn’t sign on the dotted line. Thank god.

Instead, I gently pushed the job prospect in Brooklyn until the look in his eye said he was totally into me (in a professional, artistic sense, of course) and he formally offered me the job. The job being a second assistant, or associate, in a very small international performing arts presenting and producing organization called ArKtype. The final, but still very loosely defined offer, is 5-6 hours/day, five days/week, somewhere between 10 am and 6 pm. Tommy, the man I’ll be working for and with, has promised I’ll learn everything here that I possibly could at grad school, and I more or less believe him. I’ll be sorting out the logistics of touring shows (hotels, airfare and processing paperwork for visas, which I’m oddly excited about) and will probably even do some scouting and evaluating of new work.

I’m not sure yet how much of my monthly living expenses this job is going to be able to meet, but I know I’m going to need a second means of revenue. I don’t begrudge nannying like I used to, and, as much as I’d like to end up in a box office a couple evenings during the week, I imagine I’ll end up back playing with babies. And that’s ok.

As if starting this new job (which I’ll do just after Labor Day) and moving to New York wasn’t enough on my plate, I’m also in the early (read: terrifyingly overwhelming and confusing) stages of founding my own theatre company that will present international artists similar to the way ArKtype does, and producing its inaugural production.

“Evet” means “Yes” in Turkish, and EVET Arts Presents is something I’ve been hatching since Dekeyser & Friends sent me to Turkey and encouraged me to follow my dreams. Appropriately enough, a 5,000 Euro no-interest loan awarded to me by Dekeyser & Friends is what’s getting this behemoth off the ground. I’ve had my proposal for EVET’s inaugural production accepted by Kickstarter, a crowd-funding site on the web, and I’m working to put a video together that will accurately describe the project and seduce enough strangers to donate that I can insure no financial harm to myself by taking the D&F loan. The video in itself is an undertaking and I’m lucky to have friends who are helping me with it, and others that are willing to hold my hand as I walk through this very confusing and intimidating process. (Lots more) details on EVET and its state of funding to come in future months.

The last bit of seismic-shift-in-the-functioning-of-my-life news is that I’m formally dating someone. And he’s in Chicago. And I’m very happy.

Rudi and I met last November and went on a large handful of dates before I decided that, as much fun as I had with him, there was something missing. He graciously agreed that it was possible to remain friends (lots of guys are in it on their terms, and if they can’t have you that way, they don’t want any part of you at all) and we stayed in touch over the following months while I was in Boston and then Turkey. When I returned from Turkey in June, it was Rudi who put me in touch with Jonathan Miller of ArtsEmerson, who, in turn, gave me the name of Tommy Kriegsmann in New York City. We hit the bar after my meeting with Jonathan to celebrate a step in the right direction and that put us back in touch. This past summer we saw more and more of each other until I realized that whatever was missing last fall, was there now.

Rudi is beginning his MBA at Northwestern this fall, and will be there for the next two years. He has a number of very close friends in New York City and Boston, including his sister in Manhattan, all of whom I’ve met a number of times and I now consider close acquaintances, if not actual friends, in my new home. He’s masterful at making connections like that, and is a loyal friend, so I think that our goal of seeing each other once a month is going to work out. I don’t know how long distance is going to work otherwise, or if I’ll have the stomach for it in the end, but I care about Rudi (and feel cared about by him) enough that I’m willing to take this shot. I may or may not email him the link to this blog. I’m not sure if he reads Hannah In Motion.

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Grad School Update & A Specific Direction in My Search

The news is this: I’ve officially accepted my slot at Carnegie Mellon University’s Heinz College for next fall. The masters I’ll be* pursuing is in Arts Management and the program will cost a small fortune for two years of study in Pittsburgh. I decided on this program because its reputation was the best out of the three schools that accepted me (I applied to four.), it offers the best mix of not-for-profit and for-profit management and they have a track record of placing students into internships in the talent management business with such names as IMG and United Artists. Pittsburgh is a liveable city. Though certainly not as exciting as Chicago (Columbia College is there, which I was also accepted to.) it has an active arts and nightlife scene. (I sampled a few good restaurants while I was visiting.)

*All that being said, I’m not sure I’ll actually attend next year, and I’m taking this summer working in Turkey to figure things out. My hesitation predominantly stems from the price of the degree and two schools of people have been advising me every time I ask for direction. The schools are those that think a degree is necessary and those that think what I need to learn is better done in the field, making money rather than spending it.

So, right now what I’m doing is looking for organizations that seem to be doing exactly what I want to be doing, and sending out emails to see what my job prospects might look like in those places. I’m not spending any time on organizations that are approximations. At this point it’s all or nothing.

Two prime examples of the kind of organization I’m looking for are World Music/CRASHarts, located right in Cambridge, and Arts Emerson, still in its inaugural season, in Boston. Both of these institutions present international and innovative performing arts to Boston audiences. Apart from these two organizations I know of one or two other such groups, but am searching for more, specifically on the West Coast in California.

California is an area I’ve thought about checking out and moving to for a long while, and I figure it I’m about to undertake this great lifestyle shift, I might as well aim it towards a place I can imagine myself living in long term. As much as I love Boston, I just don’t know if the winters are for me…

Do you know of any such organizations like the ones I mentioned above, either nationally or internationally? Do you have friends or family who work in the arts or are patrons of the arts in a medium to large-size city who might of such organizations? What are your favorite places to go to see culturally diverse, innovative and adventurous performing arts? Feedback is welcome.

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The Starving Artist Solves the Problem

I read this story today on Chris Guillebeau’s blog, The Art of Non-Conformity:

Paul was an artist, painting in several mediums and styles. He lived in a Northwestern city known for its love of the arts, if not always its ambition.

As Paul grew up, his family and teachers encouraged him to pursue art as a career instead of just a hobby. Paul was not especially organized, as we shall see, but this idea suited him well.

What Paul lacked in motivation, he made up for in talent. During high school he was always the best artist of the class. He managed to attend college on a partial arts scholarship that left him plenty of time to paint, but other things kept coming up. When he took the time to complete his work, he was the star student. When he slept in or underwent long periods of “artist’s block,” however, he lagged behind.

Paul was recruited and highly encouraged to enter local art shows, but felt put off by the application process. Deadlines! So many forms! A $20 application fee!

He complained about these things to other local artists, who somehow managed to meet the deadlines, complete the forms, and cough up the fees. “What a waste of time,” Paul said. After the shows, the other artists talked about how they had been a major source of income and commissions, bringing many of them a month’s income from one weekend. Paul said they must have been lucky.

In fact, luck and fate were the recurring themes in Paul’s limited career. When something went well, he attributed it to his skill and talent; when something didn’t work out, he blamed others. The art world was a “scam,” he said, with no way for new artists to break in. “Being an artist shouldn’t be about answering your email,” he said to anyone who would listen. Some people thought that was funny—but no one bought any of his art.

Once in a while, Paul managed to overcome the administrative handicaps and enter an arts fair or city festival. There were other artists there, of course, but Paul stood out—he had real talent and attracted a crowd of onlookers. When people asked where they could find his work, however, he had no answer.

A while back he had seen another artist with business cards. “Those are nice,” he said. “Where do you get them?”

“Oh, it’s easy,” she told him. “You just go to this site, upload your images, and place the order.” Paul liked the idea, but never got around to doing it. He finally decided that business cards weren’t for him. After all, he was a painter, not a businessman.

Paul’s website, which he had made during an assignment in college, was similarly elusive. It included a lengthy “artist’s statement” that went on at great length about Paul’s philosophy without saying much about Paul himself. There were no prices on his site, or any info on how to pay him if someone liked his work.

Yet, because Paul was so good, several buyers eventually found him anyway, offering an average of $2,500 for an original painting. Paul accepted the commissions but never got started—there was always something else to do.

Frustrated, Paul finally realized what the missing piece was: a higher-level art degree. Yes! That was it. He ordered glossy catalogs from East Coast MFA programs, dreaming of a place where his talent would finally be recognized without the need to carry business cards.

The debtload for the programs was astronomical—more than $30,000 a year for tuition alone, not counting supplies, housing, or food. Many students began the programs and never finished, and many students who finished never actually worked in art. But Paul knew if he could get his MFA he would be “set” for life. Because the art world was a scam, this degree would secure his entry among the gifted few. If only he could get into the right program, three years and six-figures of debt later, all would be well.

By some miracle, this time Paul was only a few days late on the deadlines. Since he wouldn’t need them anymore, he canceled the commissions he had never started. With 90 days until the news of his applications arrived, he settled in to wait. The future was bright. Wasn’t it?

The comment that stuck out to me the most (yes, I read all of them) was this one, left by Detroit photographer Anna St Laurent: “…For me, school was a ‘safe’ place. I love to learn. But I wasn’t growing in the areas I really needed to — facing my fears in marketing and selling myself. ” Could this be me?

Yesterday I paid the $500 and accepted my slot for next year at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh. Two years of school and living expenses is expected to cost me over $80,000. I’m happy I made the decision to accept, but I’m going to keep looking into other options while I’m in Turkey this summer. I’m glad this has prodded me to think. And act.

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Update: My Life

It’s been a while and much has changed since I last posted to my blog. Plans for the next phase of life are in full swing and I wanted to share them here. To be totally honest, I don’t know if I’m running to, from, or parallel to situations that have taken shape. But I’m trying to take it in stride.

Events, they are a’comin’:

• April 1, 2011 – Pack up the rest of my apartment and move it into storage. Hop in a car with my best friend, Rachel, and head to New York where I’ll drink myself stupid, run my first half marathon and see a show I’ve been dying to see for ages. (Not all at the same time, nor even on the same day.)
• April 5th – Fly to Chicago where I’ll spend two and a half days checking out Columbia College (accepted, but no scholarships).
• April 7th – Fly to Raleigh, NC where I’ll spend three days with a devilishly handsome Turk and haul out to Greenville to visit the long lost Curt Klump, a dear friend from Boston who’s relocated South.
• April 11th – Bypass Washington DC and American University (also admitted, and offered a bit of scholarship money, but have decided this isn’t the program for me) and fly on to Pittsburgh where Carnegie Mellon lies. (Admitted, and again, offered some scholarship money.) (As a separate parenthetical remark, you’ll notice Yale isn’t on this list. Not admitted. Meh.)
• April 13th – Fly back to Boston. Couch crash. Re-arrange suitcases and prepare for…
• April 18th – Fly out of Boston for Istanbul… via Paris!
• April 19-26 – Return to Paris for the first time in two years. See if I can retrieve the stuff I left there, see a bunch of friends, and do some of the touristy things I skipped the first time around.
• April 26 – Leave Paris for Istanbul via a god-awful nine hour layover in London. (But it was all booked using frequent flyer miles!)
• April 26 – Back in Antalya for the next 90 days (that’s how long my tourist visa lasts). I’ll be working at Gloria Serenity, the hotel I stayed at the past two years with the dancers, but working directly for the hotel in the entertainment department. Think “Dirty Dancing”. Engaging guests and generally lots of fun and tanning.
• July 26th – Back to Boston on Aerosvit airlines, the horrendous, but rather decently priced Ukranian airlines I flew back with the last time around.
• August – Move cities, re-establish and start grad school!

Catch me if you can!

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Weighing A List

“Just make a list!” everyone tells me when I start whining about how I can’t make a decision.   Do you know how many lists I have in my little purse-size notebook?  (Are there really that many decisions I have a hard time with…?  [And do I really whine that much?])

Okay, so I’ve made a list.  I’m trying to figure between Boston and Turkey for the next ten months, before I start grad school.  But speaking of grad school: it’s going to take some quantitative computations to make any sense out of this list.

So, if I assign +1 point to minor positives on the list, and -1 point to minor negatives, and +3 points to major positives and -3 points to major negatives (but are they major in that they’re worth three or maybe five?) then what’s my final equation?  And how many is “life” worth and how many does “job” merit?  <Sigh>

Turkey (+)

• Gain further experience in my work field
• Get to see the dancers again
• Acting & dancing

Turkey (-)

• Trouble getting anything done there
• Poor pay

Boston (+)

• Spend the holidays at home and don’t break my mother’s heart
• Ability to make more money
• The familiar: gym, yoga, skim milk & TV

Boston (-)

• No work in my field –> Nanny work, which I DON’T want to do!
• Don’t get to see the dancers again

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Living in the Moment… While Unemployed

Truly living in the moment is hard.  Living in the moment when you’ve got nothing to distract you – ie. you’re unemployed – is a nightmare.

What do we do when we’ve got free time?  Go out to eat.  Catch a movie or a play.  Chat with a friend over coffee or a beer.  All things that involve money.

What do we do when we’re unemployed?  We look for a job.  We look loooong and hard for a job and we try not to spend any money.

So what about when we’re unemployed and, therefore, have a lot of free time?  Hmm… well, we look for a job until we’ve looked through all the jobs and then we go do those things that involve mon- Oops.  No we don’t.  Because we’re broke.  So, really we just look for a job until we’ve exhausted all our resources and then we sit on our thumbs and try not to spend money.  Which results in a lot of sitting on our thumbs.

Plan B:

I’ve come up with Plan B.  Plan A was to come back to Boston, get a job (even one I didn’t particularly like) and figure out what the next step in life was going to be.  Plan A hasn’t been working terribly well.  And after nearly two weeks I’m no closer to a job (one I don’t like or one I do like) than I was before.  Thus, Plan B.

Plan B is to go back to Turkey.  Don’t freak yet.

I’m still job-looking.  And I’ve promised I’ll continue to job-look until I’ve maxed out one month of job-looking and the entirety of my patience.  Then, if by October 15th I’m still work-less, well then I go back to where the work is, even if it’s not my ideal location.

Absence always makes the heart grow fonder, and just as I had expected, shortly after getting back to Boston I started missing Turkey.  But shortly after getting back to Boston I realized something.  I want to go back to grad school.  And doing that – going back to grad school and getting my Masters in Arts Management & Administration is the next step.  Somehow I couldn’t figure that out in Turkey, but getting back here has made it beautifully clear.

So, instead of that job that makes money but also makes me miserable, if I can’t find something in my field, where I can jump-start this grad school pony with a little work experience, I’m going back to Turkey.  ‘Cause at least there I’ll be doing something productive, traveling, learning a bit more and not burning through my savings.

So, now I’ve got this middle of nowhere thing going on: I’m still applying for the few arts jobs I see every day (or travel or language related jobs, because they float my boat just as much as the arts and I know they’ll always have a place in my future) but I’m also reigning things back and making provisions.  I’m trying to find a way to support myself for the next month, but not commit to anything past that time since who knows what will happen and I don’t want to go around breaking promises.

It leaves a lot of time to go to the gym, which is just about the only place I can go without incurring a charge of some sort; even internet cafes require a purchase of a coffee or a scone.  I think I’m going to pick up a GRE study guide and start pouring through that.  I’ve also gotten back to my to-do writing list and am trying to knock out a couple long-standing ideas for Matador Travel that pay almost enough for a week of scant groceries.  And I’ve also gotten back to mystery shopping, which is paying for my gym membership and has been buying me a dinner a week or thereabouts, which I can usually recycle into at least one additional meal.

It’s a sparse existence, punctuated by occasional trips to the ice cream parlor and Hallelujahs for birthday money and friends who let me sleep on their couch.  Today I got $500 USD wired to me from Turkey – a month late but better than never.  Now I cross my fingers and hope September’s cash comes in too.  Maybe then I’ll be able to drink a beer or two in October.

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Birthday Horoscope (Ah-mazing!)

Thanks to CafeAstrology.com for my awesome birthday horoscope that – basically – affirms everything I’ve been considering these past few months.  If I’m born today, I’m off to the best start of my life!

If You Were Born Today, September 17: You’re a very practical person, yet also attuned to spiritual values. You expect a lot from others, but even more from yourself. The tendency to be controlling should be watched, as well as the tendency to be overly controlled and self-contained. You are very hardworking and have amazing organizational skills. Famous people born today: Hank Williams, Anne Bancroft, Elvira, John Ritter, William Carlos Williams, Roddy McDowell.

Your Birthday Year Forecast: A trine between the Sun and the Moon in your Solar Return chart this year is a fortunate aspect. It suggests that your domestic and career needs are not in competition with one another in the year ahead. Your inner needs tend to be mirrored by external events, and vice versa. This aspect is very powerful and rewarding. It suggests that you will be on top of your game this year, for the most part, and positive connections with others can be made fairly easily. A comfortable level of personal popularity helps to keep conflict to a minimum. With the ability to handle your emotions successfully, there is less stress on both your mind and body. Your self-confidence and positive attitude will reward you!

You are very likely to attract loving relationships and/or new warm social contacts into your life. Your popularity increases and efforts to smooth over challenges in partnerships are more likely to succeed. Negotiations, marriage, and business partnerships fare well this year. You are more likely to receive support from others – for your ideas and wishes. Overall, finances should be strong.

It is easier than ever to express your individuality, as well as your sexuality, in a manner that is true to you. A new project or goal begun this year has a good chance of being successful and long-lasting. Your sexual and physical activities tend to be more intense, passionate, and focused. It’s an excellent year in which to make a lifestyle change, as your ability to concentrate on what really matters to you is enhanced.

You might find that you become more goal-oriented this year, as superficial goals no longer satisfy you. You want your objectives to reflect what you’re really about, and you are likely to rid yourself of unsatisfying goals this year. You benefit from being more decisive than usual, and your ability to concentrate and focus helps you to achieve what you set out to do.

Strong and stimulating–even motivating or inspiring–attractions to others are likely. Secret loves or attractions may develop and existing relationships tend to rise to a higher level of insight and understanding. New responsibilities or commitments in your love life and/or your financial life are likely to feature, and these are likely pleasant ones.

Favorable energy for social meetings and events, and for situations that call for treating others with equality and respect, is with you this year. You more easily embrace all that is new, unusual, and out-of-the-ordinary with regards to romantic involvements as well as financial undertakings. You have a taste for the offbeat this year, and this energy can bring sudden or unexpected romance into your life.

There may be a project, idea, or person that demands much of your attention or occupies many of your thoughts this year. It’s a strong year for any project or studies that require concentrated effort. You are especially resourceful and more able to strategize when making plans.

In the year ahead, you will be making favorable contact through learning, communicating, and mental pursuits. The period ahead is likely to be an intellectually stimulating one in which the exchange of ideas with others figures prominently.

Social relationships and partnerships come into strong focus this year. Venus conjunct Mars in your Solar Return chart this year points to creative energy, romantic excitement, and playful competitiveness in relationships. Romance is in the air, as this aspect increases your sensuality, sex appeal, and animal magnetism. A new or enhanced relationship is possible. Now is also a good time to engage in creative projects and to join with others in pursuing a common goal. Competitive activities, in general, are favored.

Use this increased charisma and stronger creative impulses to your advantage. You might want to try out a new artistic hobby, for example, and you’re bound to feel inspired and enthusiastic about these activities. Your love nature is deeper and more intense this year.

Jupiter joined with Uranus is also found in your Solar Return chart, and this suggests the need for progressive change in your life. You might take risks (perhaps, but not necessarily, foolish ones) for the sake of freedom. You are open to new energies, approaches, and attitudes. Fortunate events occur as a direct result of your willingness to entertain the unusual and to think outside of the box. Enthusiasm runs high, the desire for freedom from restrictions is strong, and thirst for adventure is with you.

A considerably more settled year is ahead of you. You have the ability to use strategy in many areas of your life. Dedication comes naturally, whether that’s to a job, a cause, or a person (or a combination of these). You are likely to find that doors open for you this year on social, creative, and mental levels. Creative self-expression is a big theme in your life now. You possess more natural confidence than usual. New (and current) creative endeavors are likely to be successful. Increased personal magnetism and charisma are with you.
2010 is a Number Two year for you. Ruled by the Moon. This is a year of potential companionship. It is a quiet, gentle, and mostly harmonious year that is less active than other years. Instead, you are more responsive to the needs of others. If you are patient and open yourself up in a gentle manner, you will attract both things and people. This is an excellent year in which to build and develop for the future. Advice – be patient, be receptive, enjoy the peace, collect.

2011 will be a Number Three year for you. Ruled by Jupiter. This is a year of sociability. It is a friendly time, when it is easy to enjoy life and other people. Focus is on personal freedom, reaching out to others, making new friends, and exploration. You are more enthusiastic and ready for adventure. It is likely to be a rather lighthearted year, when opportunities for “play” time are greater than usual. It’s also a good year for expressing your creativity. Advice – reach out, but avoid scattering your energies.

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Tea Party Having A Party

The guy in the back looks a little placed there.
Yeah… You know the one I’m talking about.

(Full story from Yahoo News, click HERE)

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Two Weeks Home: Thoughts

It’s a Thursday, mid-day, and the only person I’ve talked to today is a booking agent in Boston who woke me up with his call a little past ten.  That’s not all exactly true – I’ve talked with a couple of friends online.  But as far as opening my mouth and speaking to another voice, it’s only the one.  I haven’t even talked to my cat.

I’m in Maine at my mom’s house and it’s only been five days.  It took me two days to know that I needed to get back to Boston asap.  I’m supposed to be here for another week and I’m not sure if I’m going to make it.  If I had a company phone, if people in Turkey would respond to my messages, if I knew a little better what I was doing trying to book a tour for these guys, I might take my laptop to the little coffee shop and camp out there for the day.  At least then I’d feel like I was a part of the world and not holed up here like a crazy cat lady without even a cat.

Ideas of what my next step could be have been washing over me steadily for the past week.  Being home in Maine does afford me more time to ruminate, and the ideas coming have been deeper, but nothing’s sticking to the ceiling just yet.

The main thing I’ve gleaned from all this surrounded-by-trees thinking is that I need more stability.  And that maybe I’ve got too many options so I need to narrow things down.

Some people can live their whole lives calling just their suitcases home.  I’m not one of them.  I need a place to go back to; a place to anchor me, and right now I’ve got a whole lot of none of that.  It doesn’t help that I’m no longer convinced I know where home is either.  But maybe a place to sit and think…?

Resolving to not go back to Turkey and to hunker down in Boston for a bit while I figure things out feels like I’m deciding to not make a real decision; potentially missing a really big opportunity in career development.  But so does going back to Turkey and doing my thinking there.  Isn’t there a void somewhere where all forward momentum stops and I just sit and figure?

I found a job on Craigslist the other day that really spoke to me and I applied for it.  It was an administrative job at an ESL school downtown that paid in the mid 30′s, which didn’t seem half bad.  I told myself that if I got it, I’d stay here.  And if I didn’t… well, then I still wouldn’t know.

I feel like things would be a lot easier if I could just say ‘Screw it’ when I worked with the Turks.  They don’t respond to my emails… ever, really, anymore.  Which makes doing a good job at work pretty impossible.  But maybe I just say, ‘Fine.  If you don’t want to help me do my job then I’ll just blow my job off until you give me what I need to do it well.’  Then the question of how much I like my job just starts to become ambivalence rather than frustration.  …Do I like a job better that I’m ambivalent about than one that I’m frustrated about?  Does that make me hesitate less about going back?

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