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Archive for the ‘Al-Anon Recover’ Category

Being thankful makes us happy, and since it’s the day before Thanksgiving it seems like a good time to get happy. My mother also happened to mention yesterday that I hadn’t blogged in a long while, which is true, but something I don’t want to let go on for too long. So, today, here’s what I’m thankful for:

  1. Snuggling with kitty cats in warm home that smells like pies baking
  2. Shoveling a snowy driveway and paying it forward by shoveling the neighbor’s section
  3. Best friends who send birthday cards in November, 10 months early!
  4. Driving a stick shift after months of hibernating that ability
  5. The vacation my stepfather is planning in Florida in April and his warmth to invite the whole family

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I spent this past weekend with a hoard of foodies. This included a restauranteur and a young professional whose marriage proposal featured a Kitchenaid mixer. I ate my way from Thursday to Monday and found it just wonderful. I love to eat. But I don’t give a lot of thought to cooking.

Today I was reading an article on one woman’s transformation from automated workaholic to zenned-out gardener and found this quote: “Curiosity becomes interest, interest becomes hobby, hobby becomes passion, passion becomes life’s work, and even spiritual pursuit – the stuff of the heart.” (From the article Peace, Incorporated by Margaret Roach. MORE Magazine, March 2011)

These two things got me thinking about the hobbies and passions we pick up throughout our lives and often come to define us as adults. You’re a foodie and you’re one type of person. You’re a gardener or a scrapbooker and you’re another type. You have friends that share your passion, buy the newest and neatest gadgets and gear, talk the talk and walk the walk. Having one of these hobbies to define you outside of work and call your own seems almost like a right of passage to stable, mundane adulthood.

Me, I’m both a blogger and a runner, as well as a somewhat yogi. Having just completed my first half marathon (13.1 miles in 1:56:52) I’m feeling especially a part of the runners’ cult these days. I’m even contemplating my first pair of barefoot-style running shoes, which, if purchased, will enter me into an even-trendier sub-cult of runners.

It’s curious to chard how I feel, slid or otherwise hoofed my way into these various adult-approved hobbies. Looking back a few years to a time when I couldn’t definitively say what I “liked to do”, I feel I’ve grown considerably, due in no small part to my lengthy stint of singledom and quest to find myself. Yoga has been there for me when I’ve needed an escape from life, running when I needed confidence and courage and blogging when I needed to sort it all out. Also when I’ve needed to affirm that I’ve got things more together than I often give myself credit for… sort of like now.

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Everything about a graduate education feels right. I’ve been sitting on my hands for the past seven and a half months in preparation for this. And I’m not a patient person.

A graduate degree, someone who’s also heading there told me recently, is a way to bypass working your way up through the ranks of an organization. It’s a way to fast-track your career by five to seven years. That sounds like what I want, I think. After five years of working ‘jobs’ and ‘gigs’ since graduating from undergrad I feel very ready for a ‘career’.

School also feels right; it feels like a proper re-centering as I shift careers and shift priorities in my life. It feels like an appropriate way to focus my energies away from “crazy-making” behavior and onto myself. Drawing up a five year “Must Have and Nice to Have” list, I found that I’ve built up a real desire for financial stability, which I estimate can only come from taking increased responsibility for my own life.

It all seems to fit so well. Enter panic.

What if I can’t make it work? What if I can’t afford to make it work? Do I put all this rightness on hold and reassess, fearing that not moving will push me into depression? Or do I forge ahead with the hope that what is right will work itself out?

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I found out yesterday that the apartment in which I’ve been residing for the past four months (yep, that’s is) is no longer going to be mine come April 1st. My roommates – a couple in their mid-20′s – have decided they’d like to live alone again. Apparently now they can afford it.

Yesterday, when they told me, I was shocked and sort of hurt. I felt rejected. Like I was somehow an inferior human being slash roommate. Today, however, I feel mad.

Really? After I bought paint for the walls and spent the time painting them you’re going to ask me to leave? After I spent money on curtain rods? And finally changed all my personal mailing info to this address, you’re going to ask me to leave? After I finally started to get comfortable here, and thought, “Hey, I can hang in Boston until grad school in the Fall,” you’re going to make me reevaluate if Boston is indeed the best place or if I should just spare myself the headache of moving again and move straight to wherever I’m going to grad school? You’re going to make me rent a truck and bribe friends and spend all that time and energy moving again, before I was ready, changing plans with little advance warning? You’re going to do all this? Man, that makes me mad.

To be clear, this has been coming for a while. It’s too bad neither them nor me was willing to just ask if everything was alright, and, if it wasn’t, see what could be done to remedy the situation, though. None of us likes confrontation though. I guess this is what happens when three people who aren’t terribly compatible as roommates get together.  Problems arise and, instead of working through them, we just avoid them. — I’m much more social than they are. I require less planning. (Who knew that was even possible?) — And then shit hits the fan and I find myself with a month to figure out what comes next.

But anger isn’t productive. Neither is feeling bad for myself or victimized. Yes, this sucks. I have very little time to make a very big-ish decision, and I’ve got to take finances and logistics and my own happiness into account. But, this isn’t the time to dwell on hurt or rage, because that’ll just take away from productivity, which I need really badly right now.

So, at the very least I’ve made up my mind not to be angry or bitter. Now I’ve just got to figure out what comes next and try to balance myself in another state of limbo.

 

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Remember those 100 days of happiness I was all about a little while back? I haven’t given up on them. In fact, I’ve been doing a better job than ever at just incorporating happiness into every day without a lot of extra thought.

Why the past 12 hours have been remarkable:

I spent an hour on the elliptical last night at the gym. It was a bummer that I wasn’t running because my ankle (the same one that was booted for inflammation and impingement last winter) has been bothering me again lately as I’ve been increasing my mileage getting ready for my half-marathon in April. But I tried to take it easy on myself, figuring that if I wasn’t dedicated enough to icing it nightly, I could at least be dedicated enough to not overwork it when it was already cranky. Doing that little thing, and getting a good workout in regardless, was the starting point.

I spent last night with a friend. “Friend” is a euphemism. He made a Turkish dinner and we drank French wine and listened to Turkish music. We talked. And, even though it didn’t need to be said, we both agreed that we really appreciate each others’  honesty and openness.

“I know one thing,” he said. “You’ve got a pure heart.” And I was thinking the same thing about him. I don’t know what this “friend” is to me exactly, but I know he’s special. I spent last night feeling exquisitely close to another person – mentally, emotionally and physically – which we all really need more of in our lives.

I headed home in the early hours of the morning, tired but energized. I caught two perfectly-timed buses, one after the other, and made it into and out of the shower before my roommates were up. I put together a great outfit for work. I shaved my legs.

I put in my iPod (Note to self: confused as to why WordPress’ spell-check still hasn’t added “iPod” to its list of recognized words yet.) for my walk to the T. I was rockin’ out to some Arcade Fire when I passed my newest Prospect Street friend.

(Another note: I have another “Prospect Street friend”. He’s a guy I know visually from my gym who was sweet enough to adjust a finicky machine for me each time as we worked our sets around one another’s one night. Now we smile at each other every time we see each other at the gym and every time we pass each other on Prospect Street. I discovered he lives about a block from me when I saw him coming out of his apartment one morning during a snowstorm.)

Now I have another Prospect Street friend. I saw him yesterday on my walk to the T for my current work assignment. It was the first time I’d seen him on a morning commute because of the new time frame. I felt like I had seen him before, and he’s beautiful and tall, which increases the odds I’m remembering correctly; who could forget? We smiled at each other… shyly.

Today, as I was already on Cloud Nine, we smiled broadly and he said hello. Tomorrow I’m debating having a card ready that just says, “Hi. I’m Hannah.” and slipping it to him as we pass.

“I’m a communicator,” I told my friend last night. I love to make connections with people, no matter the circumstances or the intensity. I just always feel great when I’m interacting and getting to know another person.” So, it just feels right to try to start something with the tall, beautiful man who smiles at me on my walk to work. Maybe he’s married. Or maybe he’ll be totally freaked out by my unorthodox approachability. That’s okay. I’m still on Cloud Nine, so I think I’ll take the chance.

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There was a guy who was supposed to call me this weekend and he didn’t.  It pissed me off.  But then I remembered that letting him piss me off – a guy who I only went on one date with and who has no right to have so much control over me – was letting him win.  In the words of brilliant Dr Gregory House, “Disappointment is anger for wimps… Get mad.”

And, so I did.  Or, more accurately, I got motivated.

One of the things I liked about this guy was his sense of style.  Yes, a guy with a sense of style. Astounding. But I wasn’t going to let his blowing me off make me cry about the fact that I wasn’t going to get to see his cute blazer again.  Instead, I was going to put together my own cute outfit.  And, thus was born tonight – going through clippings of outfits I’ve been collecting and trying out different styles for tomorrow’s back to work outfit.  I feel better for it. And I feel like he’s in less control of me.  Word.

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I remembered this list tonight and am putting it up as an action plan.  The first segment is old.  The second segment is added on.  The goal is to cross one thing a week off the list.

  • Take a computer programming course
  • Maintain/update my website and my blog
  • Found my theatre company
  • Volunteer with the homeless in Boston (Sent in my application to Horizons for Homeless Children today! 1/20/11)
  • Create and sell my own product on Etsy- Evet!
  • Go salsa dancing… Fast!
  • Cook healthy meals
  • Treat my body right
  • Shop locally, sustainably and fairly
  • Decorate my home
  • Cycle
  • Run distance
  • Yoga
  • Recycle
  • Grow plants
  • Make my own soap
  • Gift wrap my own presents
  • Swim
  • Learn how to row or sail
  • Read the paper and follow the news (December ’10/January ’11)
  • Practice and use a foreign language
  • Bake
  • Visit the Ben & Jerry’s plant
  • Figure out my wardrobe so I like it
  • Learn Forex trading
  • Travel the world as a local
  • Take a trip out of state
  • Make my home in a foreign city
  • Learn to drive a car all over a city – inside and out (Boston. Give myself credit!)
  • See the US desert and national parks
  • Hit up Mardi Gras
  • Get my Netflix subscription reactivated and get back to watching movies
  • Learn to love my body unconditionally
  • Learn to love myself unconditionally
  • Buy my own car
  • Keep dancing!
  • Become a Frequent Flyer expert
  • Circus camp… or at least tumbling, handstands and falls
  • Circus ariels (how do you spell that?!)
  • Become a better photographer
  • Sing to children
  • Cast a show at my theatre
  • Think positively
  • Go to the trampoline gym (Sky Zone)!
  • Rock climbing
  • Book the dancers a show (either of the groups…)
  • Take a bath
  • Give myself a facial
  • Sing or play an instrument
  • Get a french manicure
  • Subscribe to blogs I like and arrange them via Google homepage
  • Get my smart phone’s apps working like they should be
  • Buy a ‘For Dummies’ book and learn something new
  • Organize my iTunes and download a new torrent program
  • Explore religion
  • Sweat and Soul Yoga
  • Go to a coffee shop and read a book
  • Early morning yoga – (like, the whole week)
  • Go to UU fellowship
  • Get the $400 crappy Pegasus Air owes me
  • Learn search engine optimization and apply it to my blog
  • Take a grad course… before going back to grad school!
  • Re-do my business cards
  • Take a week and hold a tasting of new beverages every night
  • Meet up with a Couchsurfer in Boston
  • Go to whichever library in Boston my grandmother and grandfather have published papers at and read them.

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I’m not sure what day I’m on.  That’s what happens when you try to fit 100 days of happiness into an already busy life.

I haven’t been terrific lately.  Actually, I’ve been pretty distant from Happiness.  I’ve been distracted.  Which is why I instituted the 100 Days of Happiness challenge for myself in the first place.  I want to get un-distracted and focus on me.  Because when I do good things for me, I’m – you guessed it! – Happy!

It’s mostly romantic involvements that pull me away from myself.  Or non-romantic involvements as the case may be.  I call people when I should just forget them.  I stress about what’s going to happen when I should just let things unfold.  I attribute it to my personality trait that always wants to put me in contact with people and doesn’t like to be alone terribly much.  Too much solitude as a kid?  Maybe.

What I think I need (and finding out what I need is an integral part of making these 100 days work) is a list of go-to options; things that, when I start to become un-focused on doing what’s right for me, I can return to, grab one and get back on track.

Watch Law & Order, read a book, work on my talent management start-up, take a bath, (clean the bathtub), cook a real meal, call family that I haven’t spoken with in a while, etc etc etc.  All these things need to go on a list.  They need to be small and accessible and easily done in an instant or on the fly when I’m feeling the temptation to drift.

Today I did my hair before work.  That was the nice thing I did for myself and it was well worth the five minutes.  Tonight I’ll turn the mis-step of forgetting my gym pants (shoes and top, check. pants, not so much) into a trip to the book store to get a book I’ve been meaning to pick up.  And maybe even a wee foray into the GAP to spend the gift certificate that’s been riding around in my wallet for months.  But only if it makes me feel good.

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I met a truly inspiring person yesterday.  It was an internet date.  Pretty cool that those people exist… even on online dating sites.  And then I met his friend.

His friend, after handing me a pad of sticky notes and requesting that I write down or draw one thing that makes me happy, gave me this challenge:  Wear a bracelet and attempt to avoid pessimistic remarks for seven days.  Every time you slip up and say something negative, switch the bracelet to the other wrist and begin again.  See how many days it takes you to reach seven consecutive days without pessimism.

The idea is to re-train your brain to go immediately to the positive and just not run along the route of negativity.  Tomorrow I’ll be wearing my bracelet.  Which I’ll need after that Patriots loss tonight.

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Yesterday was an old-fashioned snow day.  Boston shut itself down and we (both roommates and I) holed ourselves up in our apartment for the day as the thick white stuff fell all around.

It was really nice to work from home yesterday.  (Now that I get out of the house every day I enjoy the occasional day in my pjs.)  I ate way too much leftover Christmas chocolate and felt pretty lousy because of it, but did a pretty good job of not giving myself a hard time for it and just saying, I’ll do better next time. (Happy Thing #1)

The whole day I meant to get outside and take some pictures. (Happy Thing #2)  There were these couple of plant pots on the porch covered in snow and they looked so pretty.  But before I knew it mid-day had turned to mid-afternoon and mid-afternoon to evening.  The sun went down and my pictures remained un-taken.  I was a little bummed with myself for not making it happen. (ie. Not fulfilling my Happy Thing #2)

I did, however, get to a stopping point in both my Yale essay (the last of the bunch) and revising my resume (which I’ve done more times than I care to count).  Finding a place to say ‘stop’ in a never-ending project is a pretty Happy Thing. (#2.5)  So, I suppose the whole day wasn’t a bust.

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